Glasgow Guardian (10/03/2004)

 

Scottish Football's racial whitewash

 It's been a long-standing myth among football minded Scots that when phrases such as 'hooliganism', 'racial abuse' and 'fans rioting' are decreed we immediately conjure up a mental image of a twenty stone Neanderthal.

 

Three lions emblazoned on his arm, the same arm that is ready to knock seven shades out of any opposing fan that gets in his way. He's dressed head to toe in Stone Island and Aquascutum and is no stranger to wielding a weapon in front of police, all in the name of football. Yes, he's the quintessential Englishman abroad and he's looking for a foreigners head to cave in.

 

England followers haven't dispelled this image with their recent behaviour. Violent exchanges at France '98, a vicious pitch invasion against Turkey in Sunderland last year, and racial abuse in the 80's which scaled farcical heights when Liverpool legend John Barnes had to dodge as many bananas as tackles at every away ground he graced. All this has left the reputation of the England football fan in tatters.

 

But of course us racially tolerant Scots would never bring this nonsense into our football grounds. No chance! We embrace all cultures with open arms and we all live as one big ethnically diverse footballing family. Or do we?

 

Recent revelations reveal that there are in fact only three coloured coaches in all the professional divisions in England AND Scotland. However, more prominently, claims have been made by black Gretna midfielder Gary Cohen of incessant abuse emanating from the terraces, even from his own fans. It would seem that a section of Scottish football fans, widely regarded as an admirable a crowd as you could wish to meet, have a few things to answer for.

 

'The level of abuse aimed at me has been nothing short of shocking and has came as a complete surprise' 23-year-old Cohen recently said. 'I have never heard anything like that during my time in England'.

 

The recent development has arisen slap bang in the middle of a joint SPL proposal between clubs and its players to 'Give racism the red card'.

 

It seems as though Scottish Football has been waiting for the problem to go away, and this new initiative seems to be a half-arsed way of conveying a message that they are tackling the issue. When racism is gathered alongside the Scottish games desperate financial situation and the bitter sectarianism between the Old Firm that continues to blight our nation, it hardly paints a pretty picture of our national sport.

 

Perhaps the stereotype of England fans being the thugs and verbal abusers is about to change. Some 15 years ago the English FA imposed a life ban from football on any supporter found guilty of a racial slur. Hark back to 1978, when Cyrill Regis and Viv Anderson were among the first black players to be capped for England. As a reward for their call-ups, Anderson had a knife thrown at him whilst on the pitch, and Regis had a bullet posted through his door. Charming.

 

However, almost a quarter of the players in the English Premiership are now black. England in recent internationals have started with more black players than white in their starting eleven. Compare that to Scotland who have capped only three black players in our 130 year history, and one of those was Kevin Harper, who barely even counts (just ask any Hibs fan).

 

It seems to be a far more severe problem in Scotland than we are led to believe. Fortunately Scots fans have not plumbed the depths of the banana-chucking fraternity, but high profile abuse has dogged the game in the past. Ex-Celt Paul Elliot and Ex-Ger Mark Walters will vouch for the horrific vitriol they received in the early 90's .

 

It would appear that our Bonnie Scotland has a dark underbelly that has yet to be eradicated. For once, maybe Englands clubs and supporters can lead as an example for racial integration.

Tokyo Transfer (10/10/04)

Paul Macdonald on the Japansese conquest of Hollywood horror

 

The blonde teen has decided that it's a great idea to enter the dark creepy house and investigate the strange noise that her football-player boyfriend was sure he heard. Come to think of it, where had Brad gone? Is he upstairs? Suddenly, lightning strikes; Brad has been disembowelled, and the blonde has just enough time to turn around before a masked maniac plunges a knife into her ample chest.

 

The standard paragraph for any Hollywood horror script goes something along these lines. Yes, the art of the horror flick is itself being massacred by the industry's distinct lack of ideas. The good old-fashioned slasher movie just won't cut it anymore. Hollywood horror has appeared to be on its arse in recent years with the relentless wave of utterly rubbish releases crashing and burning at the box office.

 

That was until producers came up with an utterly unique idea that ironically turned out to be anything but unique: they watched Japanese films then remade them. Wow!

 

Japanese cinema is a relatively unknown quantity to the majority of Western audiences, many of whom probably look to channel 4 cult show Monkey as guidance as to how it may present itself: strangely dressed men dancing around with poorly dubbed English voiceovers. Astonishingly, this is not so.

 

The new wave of Japanese (or 'J') horror takes a complete left turn from the gore-fests that are the staple of Hollywood efforts, opting instead to play psychological mind games with the viewer.

 

Director Hideo Nakata is one of the most prominent visionaries currently witnessing the Americanisation of his films. Two of his better known offerings, Dark Water and The Ring epitomise the type of disturbing and intense ambience that appears to be flavour of the month right now with American audiences.

 

Indeed The Ring has been the most high profile conversion to date. Adapted from the 1998 original Ringu, one of the most popular J flicks of all time, the 2002 version was surprisingly accomplished, with Gore Verbinski leading a new generation of directors wishing to create a genuinely chilling remake whilst maintaining the integrity of the original.

 

Tinseltown was intrigued at this new angle where, in a similar vein to the Blair Witch Project, the scares are provided by what you don't see rather than what you wish you hadn't seen. Atmosphere is key and special effects replaced by extended periods of silence and an overriding creepiness that is substantially more unnerving than a geezer in a mask could ever be.

 

Hollywood has decided that this is the way forward. Currently on release is The Grudge, starring Buffy stake-wielder Sarah Michelle Gellar. Like The Ring, the movie relies on Japanese urban legend to provide a realism that the viewer takes with them from the cinema.

 

But the American bandwagon hasn't stopped yet. Another two slices of Asian horror are pencilled in for next year; Dark Water due to star Jennifer Connolly, and The Eye, concerning a woman who gains supernatural powers following an eye transplant.

 

However, the jury is still out on the relevance to Western audiences these Hollywood versions have. Are they ever really going to capture the haunting mood that made the originals such a success? And surely we are not as culturally-challenged as to avoid a film with subtitles? Of course, Hollywood has the answer. Hideo Nakata's been drafted in to take the helm of The Ring 2, the film that he originally directed anyway. If you can't beat 'em, join 'em. Or that should be, if you can't beat 'em, pay them a sackload of money to join you.

That's the Hollywood way.

Footballing fools just can't say no (03/03/2004)

 

Football. The Beautiful Game. Its simplicity makes it so popular, a sport that almost anyone can relate to and follow. Its history is littered with rags-to-riches tales of working class boys coming good and hitting the big time.

With the spiralling wages around in the game today, it can almost be like a lottery win when that money-spinning contract lands in the lap of a wide-eyes teenager. Such an astronomic rise to the limelight and unbridled wealth can, however, lead to some of weaker mind being led astray by the plethora of extra-curricular activities their new-found fortune can provide.

Yes, footballers are mere mortals too, and too many choose to follow a path of self-destruction rather than that of righteous immortality. Everyone knows the life of the successful soccer star is one involving tales of drunken debauchery, loose women, and of course, the odd class A banned substance.

For some, the celebrity lifestyle was too much to take and they made a few wrong turns in their quest for glory. Others, however, are just plain dense.

Maradona, whilst being arguably the greatest footballer of them all, was as fond of a line as he was of juggling a football. He sealed his legendary status by punching the ball over England goalkeeper Peter Shilton in the 1986 World Cup and proclaiming that it was the hand of God who had smited the opposition.

God got his own back though- his desperate addiction to cocaine has led to two near-fatal heart attacks, and to Maradona these days resembling more of a sumo wrestler than a footballer. His habit also let to a drug fuelled attack on Argentine news reporters outside his home with an air rifle. A genius on the pitch, clearly not off it.

When talking about footballers who went too far, how can we leave out the loveable rogue George Best? Now coming to the end of his second liver, he once stayed in a pub for four days in a binge session, whilst playing for Manchester United. He also happened to be an incredible footballer who had the world at his feet at the end of the sixties. Boozing, however, meant his career was effectively cut short. Lately he has split from his wife after falling from the wagon yet again.

Beyond the footballers of yesteryear, more recent examples of men who enjoy the finer things in life include Rio Ferdinand and Adrian Mutu.

Depsite never being officially caught, the jury appears unanimous that Ferdinand was dabbling with illegal substances. It was rather convenient that he missed that random drugs test after being spotted in a Manchester nightclub the same week.

Suspicious?  The FA thought so too. They slapped a seven month ban on him, and his club Manchester United crashed out of the European Cup, then lost the league title to Arsenal.

Chelsea bad-boy , Mutu received an eight month global ban for Cocaine abuse, and also revealed that he had contracted Chlamydia as an 18-year old trainee. What do you expect from romps with prostitutes? The remedial Romanian had his 70 grand a week contract torn-up, much to the disdain of his employers who had forked out �15.8m for his services a year previously. Perhaps the most expensive night on the tiles ever.

More recently gambling has become a vice for some of the higher earners, with players at Chelsea reported to be placing bets of up to �70,000 per day on horses and greyhounds, and recently in Scotland, Dundee United midfielder Grant Brebner added his name to the growing list battling the addiction.

What's the moral of the story? Do footballers these days simply have more money than sense, Or is it the fact that your run-of-the-mill Premiership star is granted celebrity status, and they feel obliged to live up the Hollywood lifestyle?

Whatever the reason may be, they receive God-like adulation from their followers. If these players could manage to keep a sensible head once in a while, they might even be able to drag the game's declining reputation from the abyss.